so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
I don't have the money to get a cast so we made one from stuff at the craft store.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
slut bingo starts in ten minutes ...
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
Well it's a moot point because I did have a sink & I peed in it.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
Welcome to Missouri, the show me your genitals state.
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
Randomize
