Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
I thought 4 percs were too many but I'm dumping Gogurt on apple pie and taking giant bong rips. This feels right.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
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