Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
Seriously insulted!! You can not share my dick pick with your gay brother. He won't quit poking me on fb
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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