OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
Did he at least walk u home
He offered. I dont like that shit. I want his dick not his presence on my walk home
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
Randomize
