I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
currently buying a pregnancy test while braless so happy november to you too
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
Randomize
