I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
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