News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
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