when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
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