She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
pedialite and red bull = repair kit
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
Randomize
