I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
Ya know, I lied. I wouldn't mess with him. Not because of the crazy/rehab issues... but because he wears tank-tops.
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
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