i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
Well he's a 33 year old furniture salesman that picked up at 19 year old buying a bedroom set for her room. I can see how that would be awkward
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
I just made a dick pic collage. Let me just tell you,there is no comparison to the latest!
FUCK WHALES
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Randomize
