Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
i mean, not my actual scene but if someone says "PARTY" ill figure it out
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
Randomize
