im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
do you think they make care bear costumes for cats?
How do you wash franks red hot sauce, whip cream, grapejuice and shame out of silk?
I would just throw it away. You cant just wash out shame, it has to soak for like a month.
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
watching spice world high feels so wrong yet so right
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
Randomize
