is it bad that i kinda- ok, reallyyy don't remember having sex with him last night?
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
how ive managed to spend 100$ at an open bar is beyond me.
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
Fuck morning classes and our weekday drinking habits.
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
