I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
Is making out on a toilet while he is sitting down and pissing weird? cause that's what happened last night
It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
Five Mah tais Laser and i skill have not drunk dial you
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
Questions: How did Rachel get home? Why did I find both her ID's in my shoes? And does anyone know if she's alive?
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
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