They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
omg. don't know how to spell his name, but hot new zealand guy's dick is magic
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
Randomize
