I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
Soooo you're telling me you support us groom's men giving lap dances to willing patrons?
Randomize
