It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
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