Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
Randomize
