On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
all I know is if I don't watch spice world right now there will be a firefight.
New invention idea: vibrating tampons
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
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