she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
I just came so hard I growled. Definitely found my gspot.
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
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