Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
how bad is she
captain morgan with tits
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
Randomize
