i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
But idk if I cried about life then banged him or banged him and then cried. Chicken or the egg?
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
Randomize
