the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
