I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
Old men and throwing up are my life now.
Wish you were here....
And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
Randomize
