I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
Stories. There's stories.
MEGHAN YOU'VE BEEN THERE FOR 20 MINUTES
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
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