Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
I sure hope so...I wonder if he could tell in that email that I'm really good at blow jobs. Hopefully he heard that tone. Any means necessary.
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
Randomize
