Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
I have so many feelings about this burrito
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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