so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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