Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
I was at his place until 2am. We just sat really close an stared at each other. I think you are right. Germans must not have feelings. Not even tingly ones in their pants.
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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