The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
I feel great
I just peed on a car
just saw ex-bf. should he be more embarrassed to be a college dropout working at rite aid or should i be because i was buying newports and rembrant?
tie
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
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