I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
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