I'm pants shitting drunk right now
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Randomize