I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
Randomize