I faked an abortion last night.
Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
Breakfast Clubbing as Juggalos. I can feel our IQs in freefall.
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
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