I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
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