You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
One small step for man, one big gay fierce leap for gays!
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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