i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
I'd say things got weird when I started doing lines of molly in the box.
The family next to you was not pleased
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
side note: on a scale of 1-10, how bad an idea is it to hook up with 9 cats guy?
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
Randomize
