im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
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