I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
he proceeded to grab my vagina through my leggings in the middle of the dance floor. strangely enough I was okay with it
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
We hotboxed his bathroom. going to be a good night
Hotbox went wrong - smoke sets off fire alarm. Firefighters coming
Randomize
