so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
I just had a flash of memory of me asking all of the girls if they were on their periods. If they said yes I said it made us moon sisters.
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
