when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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