I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
it went kinda like vodka, childhood memories, screaming/cursing, fist fight, tears, broken shit, passing out. in that order. tis the season.
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
I just made a dick pic collage. Let me just tell you,there is no comparison to the latest!
Randomize
