I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
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