I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
Do you not remember you showing everyone in the bathroom your period stained underwear? I'd say you were pretty happy it came
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
Randomize
