remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
Randomize
