I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
Randomize
