I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
She just causally held my limp dick in her hand the entire movie. Her parents were cuddling on the couch too..that brave!
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
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