420 ftw
There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
Goodbye hot boy in my geo class...goodbye my lover, goodbye my friend. you have been the one, you have been the reason I came to claassss
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Randomize
