For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
Randomize
