My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
You were, but he disappeared after you said you wanted him to get you pregnant so you'd have a child by the time the Boy Meets World sequel starts
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
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