I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
I will give you vagina for bag of have'a corn chips.
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
I'm driving behind a lime green VW that has "Seniors '10!" shoe polished on the rear window. i haven't even seen her yet, but I do have a boner.
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
What happened to fro yo and sex?
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
Randomize
