I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
yeah he didnt know till after their one year. You have no idea how bad i wanna say "dude i sucked on those boobs before you"
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
so far we have 6 big wheels and 10 boxes of wine for the tour de franzia. team drunkslut is favored to win the yellow jersey.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
Signs you do Molly too much. Glow sticks fallout of random articles of clothing on academic row
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
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