So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
Freshman Move In Day, its like Christmas in August.
Dude, how the hell did you become an RA?
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
making out was so insane. it felt like our tongues were paintbrushes made of waves and we were painting an ocean galazy
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Randomize
