They have glow in the dark condoms. That's so scary.
Something like a penis light saber.
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
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