Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
i lose more brain cells when ever she opens her mouth then i would doing meth for 8 years of my life.
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
Im sitting on the exxon bathroom floor, idk if its healthy but it sure is cold
That's all? I'm a pro at gay chicken. I'll touch his dick, I have no problem with that.
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
Randomize
