Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
Plus he stuck it in when you were sleeping which would have been the tipping point for me but you art school kids are all liberal and shit
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
Randomize