Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
bring money and cleavage
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Randomize
