We walked into the bar in The Flying V formation from The Mighty Ducks. We were ready.
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
i jsut waqnnna hugg thw crap outa sokme peoplee
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
I just hope when I turn 21, it doesn't tank my entire semester.
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
Randomize