my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
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