I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
I've actually, minus lsat night have actually changed my drinking habits
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
Randomize
