I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
Is it bad that now when i read ingredients in the food I eat i only read it as shrooms instead of mushrooms ?
And he tried to make it as casual as possible by asking where i was going on vacation while he was poundin me.
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
Randomize
